So this January 1st. will mark a year since my uncle passed away. He was struck crossing the street by a young girl and her idiot drunk boyfriend. I am really having a hard time with the upcoming holidays because I feel like I do not want to celebrate or be around people, but my family and my in-laws don't understand this. I really would like to have private time this holidays but everyone is so hyped up about presents and get-togethers that its making me even more miserable because if I don't attend, people will talk. My uncle was like my parent. He raised me and I loved him more than either of my parents. I came from a broken home and did not have much of a relationship with my mom, which I didn't fret about because I had my uncle. I really feel these days that I am lonely family wise, because I do not have much family that I know of or live near to such as cousins,aunts , uncles etc. My uncle was my only real family, and I had been looking forward to spending alot of time with him this year, even was going to ask him to live with me because he had Diabetes and I did not like him living on his own.  We talked everyday and he never forgot to tell me he loved me, and never forgot to call me no matter how busy or sick he was. I really miss and appreciate the things he did for me growing up now more than ever since he is gone. I find myself randomly crying when I see things that remind me of him. It hurts ALOT losing him because he was my only true family. My other family I don't really care to spend time with them because my uncle did not care for them either and thought everyone was pretentous and snobby. Sometimes I am jealous of my husbands family because he has soooo much members in his family and they are so close knit and love eachother. I hate sometimes being around them because they are not MY family, you know? I mean I don't know them that well, and I don't connect with anyone on the same level. I feel so miserable. How do I cure this feeling? I cannot help sometimes but to be bitter , and I feel so bad when my in-laws try to be nice and I am so snappy and mean. How does one let  go?

Time: 1:42pm
Location: Manhattan
Status: Eating Dove Milk Chocolate and listening to hold music

Dear Diary:

Oh tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the USA...and this is the time we are suppose to sit back and take a look at our lives and give thanks for all we have.

And even though some people appear to have all they want in the world, they are still not happy with what they have in front of them.

Open your eyes! See what you do have rather than what you don't!

Take a look at your family at home, waiting for you. Your mum slaving over the stove to cook you some dhal pourie and duck curry when you come home from work. Your siblings, your aunts, your uncles, your cousins.. be thankful that they are alive, breathing, healthy and again,  ALIVE.

I miss my grandparents. It's the second holiday without them but instead of being miserable and down, we're making sure to enjoy each other and keep granma and grandpa's memory alive! Eat, eat, eat is what grannie would tell us... and that's what we'll do!

So, I would like to take this opportunity to give thanks for the parents I have - even if they are insane, to my siblings, my nephews, my niece, my aunts, cousins, their kids, everyone!

Thank you for my hubby and his irritating habits - without them he'd bore me and I'd have to throw darts at him for excitement. And thank you for my little monster who woke me up this morning with a smirk and a poopie diaper... Peanut - you are the bestest thing in my life and without you me and your dad wouldn't be complete.

That's all for now...

Happy Thanksgiving! Gobble, Gobble...

Gonna go finish eating my chocolate bar :D

Time: 12:50pm
Location: At my desk
Status: Missing my peanut

Dear Diary:

Tis the holiday season again and I'm feeling that panic over what to buy everyone this bloody christmas!

It's getting more and more difficult every year!

I just took a stroll through JC Penny and I see I'm not the only one thinking about christmas shopping from now and looking just as confused. I happened to meet a nice older lady suffering from the same dilemma!

What to do!

My nephew and niece down in that over hot state are 11 and 12 and after buying them nearly everything for birthdays and christmas' in the past I'm having a hard time figuring what to get them this year!

Then there is mummy dearest... what the hell will she want? Fuzzy slippers is all she'll get if I can't think of something.

And the hubby? WHAT DO I GET HIM! SHITE! He buys what he wants when he wants it so there is never anything left for me to get him.

Thank god my in-laws  are strict hindus and don't celebrate christmas in anyway... otherwise I would have to add them to the list.

Matter of fact, the only two that are easy to buy for are my peanut and my sister's baby in London - they will be less than 5 months old each and they don't know any better! so clothes and toys it is!

Suggestions would be great... what are you all buying your folks?

Life is like a garden planted both with thorns and flowers,watered by our tears and fed by sunshine of laughter !!

Time: 5:26pm
Location: My desk
Status: Finally getting at least 7 hours sleep!

Dear Diary:

Could it be that I've run out of things to say or is it that I've mellowed so much things don't bother me as much anymore?

I have no idea but I feel like my personality and individuality ran out and left me.

I am no longer ME, I am US and being part of US means being more mellow, more patient, less likely to blow up over any little thing.

It's wonderful but at the same time, I'm looking at myself and scenarios and wondering how different things would be in the past.

Such as...

In the past wouldn't I have nudged that annoying fat bastard on the train for stepping on my feet and not moving till I wanted to punch him in the brain? Instead, I patted him on the shoulder nicely and said, "Excuse me, you're standing on my toes".

I need to assess myself and look into this more. It's worrying me that I'm so nice.

  I recently read an article that pointed out: “The chronically ill may be happier if they would just give up hope.” This reminded me of a remarkable thought provoking book I read in college by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s On Death and Dying which listed the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Once the terminally ill reached the 5th stage “acceptance” they become serene and peaceful and exit with grace and dignity.

  I think I am happier today than I have been in life even though a divorce has financially wipe me out and earning less thanlf than just a few years ago. I’ve more or less stop trying to find happiness and true love and come to accept the inescapable fact; life is an endless struggle that mercifully ends in death.

  On my way home today I will stop by the beer store and pick my weekely case of Stella Artois, it’s the one luxury I still treat myself to in spite of these trying times. Crank up my stereo and listen to Mukesh’s Hum Chhod Chale Hain the melancholia melodies of Mukesh’s voice and the Stella will chill me out. No nagging wife or screaming kiddie will clutter or disturbs my quiet existence. This was not the way I planned my midlife, this is, however, the way it is and I’ve come to accepted it.

  Just because I am alone does not mean I’m lonely. My life so remarkably fill with interests, friends, passions, there is no scope or time to get bored. True loves have indeed escaped me but to be honest it knocked more than once, however, my insecurities would not allow me to open the door and let it in. In my misery I’ve hid from happiness. That is life, what is to be will be and what’s not to be wont.

Cheers
Mark

 

 

Time: 11:55am
Location: Manhattan
Status: EXHAUSTED

Dear Diary:

I forgot to brush my hair. I can't even remember the last time I washed it!

I just realized I have a blob of drool all over the shoulder of my sweater and a onesie sticking out of my back pocket.

I'm sitting her at my desk feeling goddam FRUMPY.

My pre-pregnancy jeans are a little tight - I squeezed myself in this morning. I've lost 28lbs since the delivery but I need 5 more to go back to what I use to be. AND IT'S HARD. IT'S SO HARD.

My skin has changed. It's no longer smooth and flawless. I have mountains popping up.

My boobs have shrunk back to almost college days boob size. I miss my melons.

And what the hell is that on my legs?  Are those veins? WTF

My body has completely turned upside down - inside out and its making me want to just cry.

I havent noticed any of this over the past couple of months because I've been so busy and so happy playing housewife. But now I'm back at work, and miserable about it, I'm noticing it BIG TIME.

BLAH!

I need a makeover.

Time: 2:55pm
Location: At my desk #2
Status: Bloated

Dear Diary:

I see you sitting there on the phone making a personal call.

You think I haven't noticed. You think I think you're making us some business, yet I know you are full of shite and just idling the day away on phonecalls to your woman.

You think I'm that dumb?

You think I've mellowed out since I've been away?

You think I've changed and you can walk all over me because I won't notice what you're doing?

Think again.

It's not that I've mellowed out. It's just that I don't need to be the bad guy anymore. Someone else has that role. And will be making their decisions in the next 4 weeks.

And they've notice everything you're doing, so keep on at it. I'll finally be rid of you!

** smirk **

Time: 9:58pm
Location: On my bed
Status: Knackered

Dear Diary:

It's been a while. I have no readers right now but that will change once my stalker finds me on here...then I'll have a grand total of ONE.

I'm tired.

I miss the old cariweb format!
I miss my old diary entries!
I miss sleep!

That's it for now. Have to go cuddle with my peanut...